


my darkest thoughts

by AzhaLambrin



Series: Hold Me In The Stars (Star Wars: Reylo series) [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Romance, Canon Related, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Dark Rey, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, Kylo Ren Redemption, Mild Smut, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Protective Kylo Ren, Redeemed Ben Solo, Reylofest, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-02-27 12:16:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13248048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AzhaLambrin/pseuds/AzhaLambrin
Summary: Where Ben unexpectedly unravels the greatest darkness in Rey and the temptation enough to turn both of them to the Dark Side.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JasmineFlower7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JasmineFlower7/gifts), [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts), [Beautiful_and_Broken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beautiful_and_Broken/gifts).



> "You rationalize my darkest thoughts,  
> you set them free...  
> Came to you with a broken faith,  
> Gave me more than a hand to hold,  
> Caught before I hit the ground,  
> Tell me I'm safe, you've got me now.  
> Would you take the wheel,  
> if I lose control?  
> If I'm lyin' here,  
> will you take me home?  
> Could you take care of a broken soul?  
> Will you hold me now?"
> 
> -Take Me Home, Jess Glynne
> 
> In my opinion, this is the best song for a Darth Rey-Redeemed Ben story. Or you know, it works the other way around, too. So...REYLO.  
> I'm putting my Reylo playlist on public today. It's on Spotify. If you're interested, just search Azha's Reylo FTW Jam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Cause even underneath the waves,   
> I'll be holding on to you."
> 
> -Find My Way Back, Eric Arjes

Their trip to Jabiim was delayed due to a malfunction.

They only lost a day and Ben didn’t really mind, having spent the extra hours teaching Rey how to build her own lightsaber. He couldn’t tell if it was a good thing for her to have a weapon, but it was better that she gets it from him instead of someone else. He did have one person in mind who would undermine him in every conceivable way, even by sucking up to Rey. To Ben, Hux was becoming more and more threatening.

Before they landed on Jabiim, one of his Knights had reported back to him. He had tasked Jaigo to keep an eye on the redheaded general and what the knight had to say disturbed him greatly. From what Jaigo found out, it seemed that the General had been investigating Snoke’s death.

Hux is already keen on overthrowing him simply because he sees Ben as incompetent. What damage can he really do if he finds out that he’s actually the one to kill their Supreme Leader?

He would have to deal with him soon. For now, he had to focus on the task ahead: getting Rey back and keeping her safe.

“Are you ready?” He asks her as they begin to board his shuttle. “Stop fidgeting.”

“I’m trying,” she mutters as she rubs her thumb against the side of her index finger repeatedly. “I just…I have a bad feeling about this.”

 Ben almost smirks. But then these words he’d known so well take a painful jab at his chest instead. He had tried so hard to bury these feelings, yet they always resurface, one way or another. They make him restless at night or in moments where he slips out of the mask he’s worn so poorly. But every now and then, when he looks at where is—who he’s with—he can be nearly thankful. Not for killing Han Solo, no. He’s thankful because he can feel again. There was guilt lingering somewhere inside him, a hint of his humanity that led him to Rey. It may be a wound, a deep cut that still stings and probably always will. But it brought him hope, thanks to her who had eyes to see through him and a heart that resonated with his.

He holds her hand then, and it didn’t matter if she was someone in the light or in the dark or simply somewhere in between. Right now, nothing else mattered.

The shuttle takes off and from the small window, Ben sees Hux watching them warily from the hangar. It wouldn’t take long for the General to put two and two together. When he does, it’s not only his life at stake but also Rey’s. And that can only mean one thing; they didn’t have much time.

 

 

The shuttle lands, shaking Rey awake.

She looks around her surroundings and sees that they’ve arrived in Jabiim, despite her late-night rendezvous with the Finalizer’s hyperdrive. If Ben ever finds out why she tinkered with it in the first place, she knows she doesn’t truly have a definitive answer only that she had to do it. The feeling was similar to a dream that enraptures you so much while you sleep but as soon as you wake up dissipates entirely. She heaves a heavy sigh.

Something about this place gives her an eerie feeling like an echo in a dark room. Rey had been spending too much time in there, it seems. The darkness has been pulling at her wits for hours without rest. She was tired. But for now, she was herself. She had control.

As the ramp lowers down, two of the stormtroopers than Ben had taken with them gets out to secure the perimeter. The world of Jabiim is the complete opposite of Rey’s home planet. The terrain is muddy and dark, a stark contrast to Jakku’s dry sands. The weather is also extremely overwhelming. It’s a miracle that there’s an absence of flood considering the heavy downpour of rain that seems to have no plans of stopping.

“All clear, sir,” the stormtroopers say in unison.

Ben nods and urges her to walk.

That’s when she notices it. Despite the freezing air, Rey felt warmth emanating from her. Looking down, she immediately finds it source; her hand, in Ben’s, clasped gently together. And it gives her the strangest but most natural comfort.

“Are you alright?” Ben asks quietly without looking at her.

“I’m here.”

His gaze quickly falls on her and his eyes show a hint of a smile, even just a little one, acknowledging the remark. Ben squeezes her hand as he looks ahead again.

“What now?” She asks him as an AAL descends, opening to reveal a squadron of troopers flanked by the infamous Knights of Ren.

“I was about to ask the same thing,” he replies just before a knight approaches him.

“Do we proceed, Supreme Leader?” The masked man asks, his head turning slightly in Rey’s direction.

Rey felt a tug in her hand, pulling her a bit closer to his side. She observed this to be a protective gesture as Ben answers the knight’s vague question.

“With caution,” he says. “Be subtle.”

The masked man bows slightly before leaving with the rest of the group. When they were certain they were alone, Rey turned to him.

“What was that about?”

Ben looks at her and for a while that’s all he does. She realizes that he was deciding whether or not to trust her.

“I’m still with you, Ben,” she reassures him. “What is it?”

He sighs in relief before nudging his head slightly to a certain direction. They begin to walk towards it, trudging through the mud and the rain.

“Ben?”

“I’m getting rid of the First Order,” he finally says.

“What?” Rey didn’t think she heard him right.

“I’m pulling the sections out one by one.”

“I don’t understand—”

Ben looks down at her again, checking. Then he stops, right in front of a small shelter. He let her lead the way and open the door very slowly, making sure it was abandoned. Ben sat down on the floor and waited for her to sit opposite him, the door bolted shut.

“Hux is investigating Snoke’s death. We don’t have much time but right now, I still have control over the First Order. I’ve deployed the Knights to several of our posts to get rid of sponsors, sympathizers, and supporters—”

“Ben!” She protests. “How is this different from hunting rebels?”

“It will be quick,” he promises instead. “And if you’re worried about an innocent’s blood on my hands, don’t be. Trust me, they aren’t.”

She considered this but there was something entirely different about Ben’s plan of action that unsettled her, not only the intent itself but the reason. Rey knew he shouldn’t do this and that she should warn him, but of what, she couldn’t recall. 

He continued, “The news would reach us one by one. Hux would probably figure it out but, I’m hoping, not before we get you sorted.”

Rey felt her heart pounding in her chest. “What happens if I don’t—” she couldn’t bear to think it so instead she asks, “What if we run out of time?”

“I don’t know,” and he genuinely meant it. Ben looked just as lost as she felt. This was crazy but so was everything that happened lately. “If loyalty still counts for something, it’s the Knights who can either save us or kill us.”

“That’s…reassuring.” She didn’t want to sound sarcastic, or disappointed, because she knew that Ben was doing everything he can. But they had to think of something else. Rey thought about the Resistance. Before she could open her mouth however, Ben was already shaking his head.

“They would be just as welcoming to us as the First Order,” he tells her, slightly sardonic. “We have no place in this, Rey.”

She was no longer part of the Resistance. Of course, she wasn’t. After what she did, she’d be surprised if Finn and the others ever speak to her again without blasters at the ready. A tiny place inside her heart wanted to hope that she could still fix this.

 _They would forgive me_ , she thought. _They would see why I had to do it._

But she couldn’t deny the fear that she was only fooling herself. The odds were too great against both of them. Suddenly, with this fear, she could feel herself slipping off.

“Ben—” she begins but she’s unable to finish it.

The darkness had taken over.

 

 

They had been disconnected.

Ben sighs heavily as he looks at her with those dark eyes. He should be used to them by now, but he still wasn’t. It reminds him too much of his own.

“Are we training now?” She asks, oblivious to the previous conversation she’s just had with him—thank the maker for that.

“Later,” he says instead, getting up. “Is anything about this place like you imagined?”

“Rain and mud,” she agrees. “That’s what _every_ girl dreams of, yes.”

He took that remark without much enthusiasm. “You’re teasing.”

“I am,” and she smiles proudly. “Seriously though, when are we training? I’m ready to test my lightsaber.”

Ben sighs again, no longer in the mood. How can he feel very differently about the same person? He wanted to know badly. But then he had to remind himself that they weren’t exactly the same, not really. They were two pieces of one Rey and each time, the coin flips. It was making Ben’s head hurt just thinking about her; the way her eyes changed as the other part of her took over, the throbbing pain in her chest as she thought of her friends.

“Ben?”

“Don’t call me that,” and he said it with so much malice that he was afraid this alone could turn him back to the Dark Side.

Rey sat quietly in front of him then, but something simmered underneath the surface. He could feel it. When she looked up at him, there was an anger so strong it could tear him in half. “As you wish, Supreme Leader,” she muttered before getting up and throwing the door open.

Ben runs his hand across his face, annoyed with himself. He didn’t mean to take out his frustrations on her. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep up with their current reality, not to mention his conflicting emotions about all of this.

“Rey, wait—”

Just then, an imperial trooper appears, ready to report.

“What is it?” He demanded impatiently.

“We found a civilian, sir, trekking near your shuttle.”

Ben wanted to scream at him, to tell him to let the civilian go. But that would be out of the question. He had to remain notorious, or at least appear to be, for his sake and Rey’s.

“Take him to the interrogation team,” he decided. “And find the girl.”

“Has she escaped, sir?”

“No,” he said.

 _The idea of escape means being a prisoner,_ he thought. Ben groaned inwardly. Rey was in more ways a prisoner now than she ever was before.

Finally, in the lowest tone, he commanded. “Bring her back, unharmed.”

“Understood, sir,” the trooper replied instantly before disappearing into the rain.

Ben looked out into the darkness, and before deciding against it, stepped through the threshold and began his trek in the mud and rain.

 _Rey!_ He called out. But there was no reply.

She was nearby though. He could feel it. He could always feel her close to him.

 _Leave me alone!_ She finally replies before she shuts it close. Then there was nothing. It made him panic for a quick second till he realized that he shouldn’t. He knew where she was, where she truly _is_. If he wished to find her, he would have to dive right in.

Closing his eyes, Ben swore under his breath. He was strong, that much is undeniable. But he’d been down this path before. To follow it would require greater strength. He could only hope that the pain is more tolerable now that Snoke isn’t here to manipulate it. Slowly, he reached out to the darkness and found her waiting for him.

_Rey._

When she smiled, it wasn’t cruel or twisted. It didn’t make him want to pull away. Her smile in this void was different because it was the same—the same as the real Rey’s.

 _Ben_. The whisper was gentle and soft like a coo as she makes her towards him. Her hands reached up to touch his face and he could feel her piercing through his thoughts. As soon as she began to roam his mind however, she breaks.

The façade cracks and when she looked up at his eyes this time, the warmth of her smile is gone. Rey is gone, and the coin has flipped once again.  

 _Let me show you,_ she says as her hands tightened its grasp on his head, forcing her way inside his thoughts.

Ben was transported from the dark emptiness into Chandrila, his birth planet. He could tell that it wasn’t real because his surroundings were as faint as his memory. Rey was perusing and undoubtedly manipulating this reality.

 _Curious, aren’t you_? He teased.

But as soon as he heard the voices, he knew that she was here to do damage.

 

 

 

‘If you would just listen to me for a second!’ Leia yells, pacing about the room.

Ben recognized to be the receiving area of their suite in one of Chandrila’s prestigious buildings. It was one of the few perks of having a senator for a mother.

Han enters the scene, looking as exasperated as always. ‘Ben needs someone who understands him, Leia. He’s growing up but he’s getting so confused with all this! It’s difficult for him and don’t try to deny it.’

‘I’m not!’ She replies. “Why do you think I want my brother to train him?”

‘Look,’ he says, sighing. ‘I don’t know a thing about how the Force works but we both know that what Ben needs is a parent.’

‘He has one!’ Leia snaps angrily. ‘And if you were here more then he’d have two!’

‘That’s rich coming from you—’

‘Oh please! Being a senator keeps me here, _with_ Ben. Your shipping company keeps you away from us.’ As soon as her tone softens, they both knew they were at the end of their fight. ‘Han, he needs _you_. You’re his father.’

‘Well the way I see it, I’m not a very good one.’

Ben watches his father’s face and finally understood what it was that he’d seen that day. His father, one of the bravest men who fought with the Alliance against the Empire, had doubts about the direction he was leading their small family towards. He was afraid, and it was a feeling he didn’t want to have while raising his son.

‘I didn’t mean it that way,’ Leia whispers, reaching out to him. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘No,’ Han finally says. ‘You’re right. He needs me. But if the Force is waking something in him, something I will never understand, then he’s going to need Luke more than me. That’s all there is to say about it, Leia.’ He draws her hand away from him gently and storms out of the room.

As soon as the door closes, Leia releases a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. Ben looks at her from where he stood, his mother an image of youth, regality and beauty, power and fierceness. But she was always going to be remembered as someone who was more than that. Even now, she held the standard of strength, intelligence, and fearlessness. From this small moments of his childhood, he didn’t really need to ask why.

‘You can come out now, Ben,’ she suddenly says, making him all too aware of his surroundings.

He always thought it was intuition that made her know where he was or how he felt at all times. Seeing at it now, knowing what he knows, he realized that it was the Force.

The boy came out of hiding. In this reality, he was barely twelve years of age and had prominent freckles across his face. His headful of dark locks swayed as he walked towards his mother and his stance was terrible.

 _I think you’re handsome for a twelve-year-old_ , Rey says in the back of his mind. Whether it was one or the other, he didn’t really care. He still had low opinions about his younger self.

‘You’re not going to send me away now, are you?’ Young Ben Solo asks, worried and afraid just like his father.

 _Foolish,_ he wanted to say.

Leia looks at him with caring eyes and smiles at him sadly. ‘Never,’ she promises.

The vision ends. And another begins.

 

 

 

Everything was going too fast, as if Rey was choosing which memories were worth seeing.

Six days prior to his training, Ben had a day in the Silver Sea that he will never forget. He was seventeen and alone. His mother had constant meetings with the New Republic and his father had kept up the Five Sabers racing quarterly. By then, they were three strangers merged together by marriage and obligation.

Most days he forgets, spending it alone as he scours the city. There were ton of places to see in Chandrila, people to meet, things to do. But what Ben loved in particular was looking over the waters. It made him feel at peace with the ongoing war inside himself.

Then he heard it, that voice calling out to him.

At first, it was small, a mere echo…and then it grew louder and louder, drawing him into the waves. Ben never thought much about swimming. He knew the basics; you kick with your feet, you keep your head above the water, and you paddle. You fight to stay in the surface. Living in his mind always felt like swimming. But that day, he had no idea how clueless he truly was.

 _No!_ The voice had said. _Come back!_

He couldn’t tell if it was him imagining it or if there was really someone out there who felt as abandoned as he did. So, he swam towards it. Before the first wave hit, he saw a face of a child—a girl, crying against the heat of the sun. Then he drowned.

It was small but, it began there; the dreams of getting trapped underwater, the inevitable, inescapable darkness, and the voice haunting him and second guessing his every action.

When he was saved, it took Leia an hour to hear about the news. It took another two to get out of the meeting and see him. He tried to forget about it, the whole incident was his fault anyways. But even as his mind suppressed the memory, it failed to ignore the lingering presence in his mind. The voice remained till it grew and it became louder each day.

 

 

 

Ben pulls away.

The rain was drowning him. It was drowning them both.

Rey stood in front of him, apprehensive and afraid. She was breathing rapidly, releasing fog from her mouth. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I am so sorry, Ben—”

“It’s not your fault,” he replies quickly. “I did that. I’m sorry.”

The path to the Dark Side begins with fear. His rejection towards her enabled that. He had to keep reminding himself that he is the only she has left.

“No, I got angry,” she murmurs. “I don’t even know why—”

“It’s the darkness calling to you,” he says. “And I keep pushing you towards it.”

“Stop,” she finally begs. “I promised I would fight it. Don’t take the blame for my actions. It was me, Ben. I’m sorry.”

He didn’t say anything anymore. They would endlessly burden themselves with each other’s faults and where would that leave them? Instead, he takes off his cloak and puts it around Rey’s shoulders, pulling the hood over her head.

“Thank you,” and she smiles sadly before reaching up on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck. “I wish I was there that day…when you drowned.”

Ben pulled her closer, almost lifting her up as he tightened his arms around her waist. “You were,” he whispered. “I don’t know how…but you were.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lost night, a training session, and taking a bath together. What can go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >>MY PERSONAL SMUT SONG LYRICS<<  
> (Hi, Liv!!)
> 
> "I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,  
> I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask,  
> I want to exorcise the demons from your past,  
> I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart."
> 
> -Undisclosed Desires, Muse
> 
> Bear with me on this one! It's definitely longer than the last chapter, but only because I didn't want to rush the smut.  
> Also, SMUT AHEAD. Though I don't think it's really considered smutty...or do I? *wink wink*

_I’ve deployed the Knights to several of our posts to get rid of sponsors, sympathizers, and supporters…it will be quick._

Rey dreamt of the Knights—masked men, Force-sensitive assassins—storming through a crowd, into a home, and striking down their target. Random faces swim in her vision and she could hear it. She could hear their screams. Then she sees him, in the middle of the chaos, all clad in black with his lightsaber ignited.

_But you will bring him back to the darkness, drag him if you have to._

Ben turns around, masked once again. Kylo Ren has returned.

She was coming to her senses now with Snoke’s plan clear in her mind. If she doesn’t beat him, if darkness prevails in her, she would become Ben Solo’s downfall. This was what she needed to warn him about, the part of the torture where she could fail to remember. Rey fought to the surface to tell him now. He had to know before she could do any more damage.

But there was an ache inside of her that she couldn’t ignore. Certain that it was Snoke, she suppressed it harder. But the pain only became more prominent. She let out an agonizing scream that jolted her awake.

 

 

The walls were made of gray stones, similar to the ones used in the huts of Ahch-To.

The cot wasn’t any softer either but, there was a certain warmth to it. There wasn’t much to see inside, provided it was only a makeshift room to accommodate her, and yet the wide space calmed her. But there was something else.

Rey, after turning, realized that it wasn’t the vastness of the room that settled her. It was the person beside her, snoring lightly with one arm underneath his head and the other slung lazily over her waist.

How she had not felt that weight till now was more than puzzling. It was as if it was always meant to be there.

Ben looked like he was tired and maybe he was. She had no recollection of what happened the night before and judging by the way they were sleeping next to each other only gave her a glimpse of how the other side of her was working. Whenever she was under, she was usually aware of what was happening and yet last night was a faint memory.

Rey wondered now if Snoke had taken that away, too.

 _Snoke,_ she remembers, perking up.

This stirs Ben a little till a pair of brown eyes open to stare into her hazel ones. Still in a dreamlike state, he closes them again and pulls her closer.

“Ben,” she whispers, holding up her hands against his chest.

“Mm…”

“Wake up.”

He remains fast asleep, breathing deeply.

“Ben,” she tries again, louder this time. “Ben, you have to listen to me.”

“I am,” he murmurs almost incomprehensibly.

Rey refrained from whining but, she couldn’t help it. “Ben…”

He only wrapped his arm around her tighter with his lips touching her temple. “I’m here,” he whispers sleepily. “What is it?”

 _It’s Snoke_ , she wanted to say but instead a different answer came out.

“Nothing,” she replied. “It’s nothing to bother you with.”

_What? No. Ben! You have to listen to me!_

“Go back to sleep,” she said, and Rey could feel herself smiling. Then before she knew what she was doing, she had turned her head upward and closed the distance between their lips. She felt it, too; those soft lush lips that responded to her kiss.

But it wasn’t her and that pained her so much she began to falter.

 _Ben_ , she begged.

There was no response.

 

 

He woke up without her by his side.

The sun was nonexistent in Jabiim. Ben couldn’t tell what time it was. There was a lot to be done and he couldn’t really afford to lose a day. Still, he laid there, in what seemed to be the most uncomfortable cot imaginable, thinking about what had happened between them…or what he thinks happened.

He grumbles to himself, a self-proclaimed idiot, before getting up. It was a dream. It was nothing more than just a dream—and a terrible one at that, making him want things he can’t have.

 _Not yet_ , he likes to think. A smile crept up on his lips as he put on his shirt and his cowl, his pants still attached to him.

Even though he was fully dressed now, Ben still had a sense of nakedness. Losing his mask had certainly made a difference and during times like these, when he felt most exposed, he craved its protective armor. He had to hide that stupid grin on his face if he was to command an intimidating death squad clad in white and black.

Running his fingers through his hair one last time, he leaves the lodge and immediately finds himself drenched. The troops were all in line, perfectly formed. There were far more soldiers today than yesterday. Hux must’ve sent them over.

Looking around the sea of endless helmets, Ben couldn’t find her. It was pouring, making it harder to see. Then after what seemed like a lifetime, he hears it.

In the middle of the First Order troops was a small sparring match between Rey and anonymous stormtrooper with an acquired lightsaber—a very familiar one at that. He walked slowly towards them, making the sea of white part in between. He watched for a short while because he was easily recognizable and the stormtrooper holding his saber immediately stopped.

Ben could sense his fear. If the helmet was off, he was certain he would see wide eyes looking up at him. Raising his hand, he drew his weapon towards him like metal to magnet. The stormtrooper steps aside and Ben takes his place.

Rey raises her brows, smiling.

“You certainly know how to make an entrance,” she says, twirling her own lightsaber.

He shrugs, nonchalant. “I know a thing or two.”

“Arrogant, I see,” she teases. “Let’s see if you can manage your footing better this time.”

Rey charges towards him, bringing down her lightsaber on him, aiming for his neck. Ben meets it just in time with his, the tiny little sparks around them like electrified blood, red against red. The buzzing was deafening. Rey groaned and let go but she attacks him again. Ben successfully evades her, brushing off her outburst by sauntering over to the side and twisting his lightsaber cockily before resuming his position. This only annoyed her even more, pushing her to always make the first move.

Their sabers meet a few more times, each clash harder than the last. They watch each other carefully as they circle one another, creating a spellbinding dance. The air was zinged around them, pulsing with energy and anticipation. If Ben didn’t know any better, he can almost fool himself to think that this was their way of flirtation. He certainly feels like he’s flirting…the edges of the dark teasing him with those fearless, calculating eyes and those small hands, gripping the hilt of the lightsaber tightly.

Rey can tell he was distracted and uses it to her advantage. She raises her arms over her head and strikes him down, but he hits it hard, matching her strength. They were simply standing now, facing one another. It reminded them both of their duel back in the forest. Her eyes captivated him then, as it does now. Things have changed since. Rey was on his side now and he was on hers. Snoke no longer terrorizes the galaxy, only the girl. He was the Supreme Leader of the First Order. She was—

What was she? What _is_ she to him?

He didn’t really know. All he was certain of was that; a lot of things did happen, things that shifted the balance. But it was those eyes, that look…it will never fail to haunt him. They were the last piece of the future he craved.

Ben lets go, making Rey stumble forward.

She laughs. “You lose, Ren.”

It was subtle, but that quick shot to the heart made him breathless.

 _Yes_ , he thought for a moment _. It seems that I have._

“Ben? Are you alright?” Rey asked, oblivious to the slip.

Wary, he replied with a nod.

“Again?” He suggested, and she was about to reply.

But then it happened. The blasts came from nowhere and soon an army of unknown individuals began to attack their camp. The stormtroopers were quick to respond with action, letting their blasters loose. The exchange was disruptive. Most of the attackers fell immediately, but they did leave a dent on the troops.

Ben doesn’t have a clue on where they come from. The reason why was easier to comprehend. They were the First Order. They posed a threat to the galaxy, to this planet they’ve now set camp on. These were, assumedly, rebels. And that’s what made it harder for him to return each blow.

He glances at Rey, seeking a sign that she was hesitating to hurt an innocent. But as soon as he finds her, he regrets to see that she was already covered in mud and her hands bruised with a stranger’s blood. Her lightsaber was not ignited though, and he can take that as a good sign for now. As Ben tried to elude civilian fighters, he watched Rey closely. She was quick on her feet and heavy on her punches. The rage was undeniable, but the confusion was there too. He can see it. With every hesitant flicker, he can see her struggle within herself; what she was doing, what she was doing it for.

Ben sees it before she does. Another fighter, an unknown civilian, kills a stormtrooper and takes his blaster. He aims it at the girl, still distracted with her current opponent. He never has a chance to shoot, not with Ben Force-throwing him off the field. They would kill them all. They would kill _her_ —and he can’t let that happen.

He swore to himself that he was going to resist it, that the light side had won him over and that he was fighting for a cause. But that never meant the darkness left. There were still remnants of it. And he was going to use it while he still has control.

 

 

In the middle of the battle, Rey gains consciousness.

The first thing she noticed was the dirt in her hands and how they felt sore. She was soaking wet and tired. Then she saw the blood, sticking to her skin like a mark. Whirling around, she sees how she’s surrounded by fallen stormtroopers and men she doesn’t know. Where they came from was also part of the mystery. But they were there to kill.

They come for her now. Standing amidst the troops, it wasn’t really a question that she was a target. She shouldn’t be surprised, but it still catches her off guard. Rey tries to avoid them, using the Force to push them out of her way instead of engaging in combat. A blaster bolt nearly hits her though and she crouches to the ground, covering her ears.

 _Breathe_ , she tells herself. _Just breathe._

When she looks up, a man was standing over her with a long blade, ready to strike. Before she can do anything about it, a bright red light blinds her, piercing through the man’s chest. It was Ben’s lightsaber. The man falls next to her, dead.

Then he holds out his hand to her.

She should be afraid. Ben had just killed a man in front of her. She can feel the darkness growing in him as it grows on her. Snoke’s words, his promise and revenge, should haunt her now. But it doesn’t. Instead, she corrects herself that day in the Throne Room and puts her hand in his, holding on to him tightly till he puts her up.

“Ready?” He asks steadily, watching out for enemies but his grip unfailing to lose.

Rey breathes in, her free hand reaching for the hilt of her lightsaber.

The fight felt like a well-choreographed dance. She couldn’t explain it, but the way they moved was always in sync, with rhythm, and following each other’s beat. Her heart was pounding the whole time. Rey had never felt so alive.

Where Ben was calm and calculated, she was enraged and vicious. It wasn’t necessarily something to be proud of, but the fight for survival was eminent. At that moment, she just wished she could’ve taken down some stormtroopers as well.

After all, the initial plan was to cut out sectors of the First Order. There will always be more of them and though it wasn’t her ideal way of dealing with the enemy, it was a start. She begins to remember Finn…the only stormtrooper who woke up from a braindead army, the traitor.

There was no heroism in betrayal, it seems. She was like him now.

And so is Ben.

He didn’t strike them down, his soldiers. He let the civilians do that. The unattachment he has with the army was clear. But he respected it enough to let them die in battle, even in something as small and pointless as this one.

As more and more of them fell away, the two of them became more unprotected. Neither of them rarely used the saber, relying upon the Force to push back people as much as they can. When attackers get too close however, and with strong intent to cut them down, they have no choice but to return the favor. One came at her with a neuronic whip, the first one she’s ever seen. It hurt like hell when it hit her. She almost fell on her knees, feeling every cell in her body burning with great intensity. This angered Ben so much that he pulled the man with the Force, just close enough for him to twist the arm holding the whip. Rey got up and let the pain take over. She brought down her lightsaber on the man’s arm, cutting it clean, then discarded him off the field.

 _He would live_ , she tells herself. Looking towards Ben for guidance, she sees his hesitation too. They were harnessing too much from the Dark Side, letting their anger control them instead of the other way around.

“Should we tone it down a little?” He offers.

“Yeah, a little bit,” she agrees.

“We really have to think of a better plan to get rid of them without slaughtering everyone,” Ben says, watching as more people trickled into the scene.

Rey was coming up blank. But then, like an answered mantra, she felt her lightsaber heating up. Before she realized what was happening, Ben took hold of it and threw it over the field just before it exploded. The civilians retreated at the sound of the blast, perhaps afraid that TIE fighters were coming in. She breathed a sigh of relief as she fell back on him, his arms quickly supporting her weight.

“That should do it,” she says, chuckling a little.

Then in a faint voice as if he was afraid to speak, he tells her very casually, “I think we need to make a few modifications on your lightsaber.”

She laughs.

 

 

He had asked for an installation of a ‘fresher in their shelter and two of their maintenance crew was connecting the portable showerhead in the tank when Lieutenant Kilk, the head of their interrogation team, approached him.

“What is it?”

“Sir, our team had gained no information from the prisoner—”

“What prisoner?” Ben demanded.

“The one found skulking near your shuttle, sir,” the lieutenant reminded him. “What do you propose we do with her, Supreme Leader?”

_Her?_

Ben’s brows furrowed. He can’t tell him to let her go. That would look too suspicious. He can’t command them to kill her, not after everything he’s done today. There’s already been too much death.

The crew leaves, informing him that the ‘fresher is ready to use as they went. Ben runs his hands through his mucky hair and sighs heavily.

“Prepare a private room for us. I would be interrogating her myself.”

The lieutenant salutes. “As you command, sir.”

“Lieutenant.”

“Yes, sir?”

“Until I come out, I don’t want any disturbance.”

“Yes, sir.”

He closes the door and slowly turns towards her. Rey was on the bed with a course blanket over her shoulders. Her nose was red, sneezing from the rain.

“You alright?” He asks as he walks to her.

She nodded but didn’t say anything else.

Ben takes his unused towel, crouches down at her level and begins to wipe at her muddy face. Then he smirks just as he gets to those lips.  

“What?” She demanded, making a face.

“You really need to clean up.”

Rey sighs. “We have to talk.”

“I know,” he replies. “You’ve never stayed this long since joining the Dark Side,” he adds. “There must be a reason.”

“Snoke wants me to manipulate you,” she blurts out. “He wants me to _persuade_ you as he did before. What happened earlier…”

“It was kill or be killed,” he tells her as he pulls away.

“I know,” she says. “That’s why I’m even more afraid.”

“Of me?” He asks, scoffing.

Rey shakes her head. “Of this, of _me_ , of what I’m going to do if I don’t stay in control—and I need you, Ben, to _make me be in control._ ”

“I’m trying.”

 _Do or do not,_ a voice whispers in her head. _There is no try._

Apparently, Ben hears it too. It was the same voice that comes to him in moments he need guidance the most. This time it only infuriates him more.

“Returning to the light doesn’t mean I have absolute control, that I can’t be tempted anymore. I’m learning just as you are.” he says. “I promised you I’d keep you from hurting those you care about and I _am_ keeping that promise. But what you’re asking me right now is impossible.”

“Then what do you want me to do?”

“Don’t try to change me.”

“I’m not!”

“Yes, you are,” he murmurs. “The dark will always be a part of me, as it is of you. If you really wish to overcome it, you have to accept that.”

“You mean I have to accept it in myself—or in you?”

Ben was taken aback, but he didn’t show it. Those words were said spitefully, and though he tried to see it as the darker side of her speaking, he could plainly see her eyes have not changed shades. It was her and she looked like that girl in the forest again, the girl who hates him, who called him a monster…

He pursed his lips and got up. “You really have to clean up. Otherwise, you’d get sick.”

He was already by the door when she called out to him.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I don’t know what came over me.”

Looking over his shoulder, she was staring down at her feet, so he couldn’t see her eyes. But he could feel it, that shift in her energy. Maybe the coin had flipped. Maybe she had gone under. This was not her.

But it didn’t stop him from rushing towards her again in a fit of torment, desperately clinging on to her. His hands were on either side of her face, his lips gently but urgently moving against hers. Then she reacts, returning his actions more aggressively. They were covered in dirt and sweat and blood, soaked from the downpour, and sticky. Above all, they were sticky. And they stuck to each other like water to a sponge, absorbing each other in the heat of a moment.

Ben never told her what happened the previous night. He wasn’t sure if it even happened. But now that this was going on, he was certain that he didn’t imagine things. He couldn’t have, not when he was so familiar to her touch, to the way her lips moved and how her hands pulled him closer as if they needed to fill every space between them. His heart was pounding, not from the urgency or the need, but from fear that when she opens those eyes, it will be dark.

He couldn’t fool himself anymore and so, he breaks away, breathless. Before he could say anything though, she utters six words that placated him for at least one more minute.

“I had a dream last night.”

A lot can happen in one minute and by far, it was the longest minute of Ben’s life. He watched her as she gazed at his lips longingly, with her own slightly parted, trying to grasp as much breath as she could. Then that gaze turned upward, and those hazel eyes have never looked so bright to him before.

He knew the dream because he had it, too. Still, it didn’t refrain her from drawing it out for him.

“We were in another planet,” she says, and she casts her eyes downward, shy for a small fracture of a second. “We had a home…the two of us, together. It was vast and enormous. It looked like a palace. The sun streamed in from all sides without it being hot, just bright. You made me breakfast, and no one’s ever done that before, and you taught me how to use a brush in your calligraphy set.”

Rey dared to glance at his reaction, perhaps feeling foolish for bringing up a calligraphy set that may or may not exist.

He easily reassures her. “I still have that in a box somewhere in my quarters. I can’t seem to dispose of it.”

In that moment, a stray tear escapes Rey’s eyes as she dwells in that revelation. She wraps her arms around his neck and simply stays there, legs outstretched to reach his height.

“We had porgs, too,” she adds, making him laugh.

“You have to apologize to Scavenger,” he says now. “You scared him.”

“I know,” she replies quietly.

No matter how much he wanted to remain in her arms, he knew he had to let go. They were both getting cold. Time was ticking. Everything—and everyone—can be working against them in these spare minutes that they’re wrapped in each other. Ben couldn’t risk. He had to see where this will end, and he can only do that if they both survive.

“Wash up,” he tells her as he pulls away. “Go. I’ll stand guard outside.”

What was it exactly that made her feel extremely shameless? They both didn’t know. But Rey shook her head, took his hand, and led him to the ‘fresher.

“Help me,” she whispers, shaking.

From the anticipation or the cold, Ben can’t figure out. But it wasn’t from fear, that much is certain. She was as brave now as she was in any death-defying situation she’s faced. The clarity in her eyes were still there. She was still her.

Compliant, he aids her in undressing as he removed pieces of clothing himself. One by one, they all fell to the floor. His eyes never left her, even as she turned her back on him to enter the ‘fresher. The smallness of her frame, the slim curve of her body, made him ache to touch her.

Ben hovered over her, afraid to move. Only when she reached out her hand to him did he touch her. He untied the band in her hair, combing it with his fingers, and feeling himself being undone as well. The layers start to drop. To him, there was only her. It had only ever been her.

The water washes them completely. Mud begins to drip away from their skin. Rey hands him something and waits patiently as Ben tries to figure out what to do with it. When he hears her laugh though, he realizes that it wasn’t just a misled fantasy.

Carefully at first, as to not touch any sore skin, bruises or scars, Ben begins to scrub her back. The burn of Jakku’s sun was almost faint, blending well with her pale white skin. She didn’t turn around, so he assumed his main task was simply to clean her back. He slid his hand tenderly down her spine, making her toes curl. Unable to deny the temptation, Ben plants a small kiss on the nape of her neck, feeling her shiver against him. It was one thing to think it and an entirely different one to do it. He couldn’t be more pleased that he was able to satiate his desire without losing control.

But then she turns around with that look in her eyes, drawing him closer and further down. Before he knows it, she was taking hold of his neck, pulling him to her. The inevitable hunger was undeniable between them. Ben resisted as much as he could, but it was no use. Her lips were too good.

Out of nowhere, he feels it; the tug. Rey was pulling away inwardly. She wasn’t sure. And he couldn’t do this if she was uncertain of what she wanted. Ben groans and lets her go.

“I’ll—” he struggled to keep his composure as there was none to begin with. “I’ll wait till you finish,” he says as he exits, leaving Rey stunned.

If he didn’t keep a clear head, the temptation will be enough to turn them both. And Ben wasn’t entirely sure that it’s a bad idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did I do?? Is it smutty enough for you?  
> Let me know in the comments below!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How far will you go for the one you love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You and I both know  
> Everything must go away.  
> What do you say?  
> Spinning knot that is on my heart  
> is like a bit of light  
> and a touch of dark..."
> 
> -Dark Necessities, Red Hot Chili Peppers
> 
> I can't dedicate on chapters?? Is that correct? Anyways! This is for Beautiful_and_Broken because this person is awesome!!!

She remembered sleeping and not much else before that.

Rey stirred, feeling his arms around her. They were sleeping together again. Why doesn’t she remember this?

The room was dark and cold, but his warmth was enough to bring her back to sleep. She tried and immediately failed, feeling a pair of eyes watching her every move. Then she spots it.

The shadow was huge, looming over them.

 _Snoke_ , she thought spitefully.

Rey sits up just as the figure comes to the faint light provided by a crack in the wall. Snoke reaches out his hand and she hear Ben choke before she looks.

“Ben!”

His eyes were open, but they were unseeing. She panicked, letting fear take over. Turning to his attacker with every intent to use the Force on him, she sees that it isn’t Snoke at all. It’s her.

Her eyes were different, darker. Her mouth was set in a snarkier grin, arrogant.

 _You will be the death of him_ , the other says with Rey herself echoing her.

“I will be the death of him.”

 

 

It didn’t take long for him to wake up in the chaos.

Rey was still sleeping beside him, exhausted. He decided not to wake her and got up to inspect the situation outside. Stormtroopers were already shooting at shadows, the rain making it difficult to see the figures attacking them.

Captain Ver hurriedly comes towards him to report. “Sir, the civilians have returned. They seem to be in greater numbers.”

“Send the fifth squadron.” Rey emerges from behind him, taking over. She looks up at him once, then continues. “If that doesn’t work, launch the TIE fighters. That’ll scare them off. And let General Hux know that we’ll be boarding the Finalizer soon.”

The Captain doesn’t even look at Ben for confirmation and simply salutes. He nods at their supposed Supreme Leader before disappearing.

“Hux?” Ben asks vaguely with an evident disdain on his tone.

“Yes, Hux,” Rey replies. “He may be a tool, but he’s the sharpest one we’ve got. Might as well make use of him, don’t you think?”

He doesn’t say anything and only watches her carefully. Just then, a bomb explodes, and their aggressors are seen running off into the dark. It was a group hunched over protecting one in the middle. Ben recognizes her. Of course, he does. He interrogated her the night before.

The woman’s name was Eyna, a natural born Jabiimi. She was of no real value nor was she a threat. He didn’t realize how much she meant to them, risking their lives for her. He should’ve let her go while he had a chance. They could’ve all avoided this mess, he thought.

Apparently though, Rey wasn’t in the same line of thinking at the moment. The first mistake was letting her out of his sight. The second was failing to stop her while he could. The third was yet to come.

Rey was quick to pull the woman out of the group, plucking her away from her protectors. They all fired, but to no avail, not with Ben stopping their blaster bolts from hitting their target. In a matter of seconds, the woman’s neck was in Rey’s hand. She was at her mercy.

But the woman didn’t show signs of fear, only surprise.

“Liv,” she choked out, making Rey narrow her eyes. “It’s—it’s me—” she says, grabbing at her now. “I’m your friend—”

“I don’t know you,” Rey mutters sternly, tightening her grip.

“Rey!” Ben shouts, unable to control himself. “This is unnecessary!”

“Don’t be foolish, Ben,” she replies, annoyed. “Death is necessary!”

Even as she said it, Ben knew; Rey was afraid. He could feel it. Underneath this dark façade, she was still her, yes. But the worst of her was in the surface. She feared death, but most of all, she feared dying for nothing and being nothing. Ben wished he could tell her, show her, how much she truly meant to him if no one else.

Eyna was struggling to hold on for dear life. The only way she’d be free is to die and he couldn’t let that happen. Her blood will be on Rey’s hands. Yesterday had seen enough deaths. To add more will be too much too soon and it could inarguably be a reason to shame Rey further into the darkness.

“She is not worth your time,” Ben insisted.

“We’ll see about that,” Rey cockily murmured before invading the thoughts of her victim.

 

 

 

The woman screams as her mind is prodded, her secrets unveiled for another person to see. But while she was in agony, Rey was lost in her memories. She could see Jabiim in a different point of view. It was a home, a family. There were people who looked at her with kindness, treated her with respect and familiarity, like in the Resistance…

Before she could lose her sense of purpose, she sees it. She sees _her_. The young woman approaches her with a smile as bright as any sun. She had hazel eyes, warm and beautiful. Her thinness was a sign of poverty but, her muscles a sign of strength. It was plain for those who can see that they were one and the same. It was her.

_Your mother was from Jabiim._

Snoke told her this. She remembers now. This is why she wanted to come here so badly. But a part of her knew that it wasn’t right. Luke had warned her about the offers of the Dark Side. It was clear to her now why she had sabotaged their trip here in the first place, why she messed with the hyperdrive that night she snuck out of her quarters. It was in the deeper recesses of her mind that she had accepted who she was with or without knowing where she had come from or who her parents were.

And yet she was here, and it was true. The missing link to her past was finally in front of her.

_Resist it, Rey._

Luke’s voice comes to mind and she desperately wants to follow it.

Unfortunately, there were two sides of her. Either can make a choice but it had already proven that other is stronger than her. She slips. From time to time, one always does.

Rey lets go of Eyna, gasping for air.

“You knew my mother,” she said. “You knew her.”

The woman’s eyes widened. “You’re her—”

“I’m her child,” Rey told her. She looks up at Ben briefly, finding the same look of disbelief on his face.

“I didn’t know she was pregnant,” Eyna murmured, suddenly lost in herself. “If I did then I wouldn’t have—”

Something in her words confused Rey. Her brows knit together as she stared down at the woman. “What did you do?”

“It was unnatural!” The woman shrieks defensively to nobody, apparently haunted by voices in her head. “She was falling prey to the dark, and someone had to do something to help her!”

Rey didn’t waste any more time and searched her mind for these vague statements. When she saw what Eyna was talking about, there was nothing but horror. Her mother was like her, Force-sensitive and _young_. She had power but no control. No one was there to teach her and show her the way to the light. With her mother’s past and situation, she was bound to be tempted.

But similar to what happened to Ben Solo, she hadn’t done anything yet when they decided who and what she was; a threat, a monster.

Eyna was the one who told the others, and soon their whole village wanted her dead. She escaped—

 _To Jakku,_ Rey assumed. She lets Eyna go and turns to Ben.

“Kill her.”

 

 

Ben didn’t think he heard her right.

But then she stands up and grabs the hilt of his lightsaber. Before she can strike Eyna down, he pulls at the weapon like a magnet.

He senses her frustration and deeply rooted anger forming inside of her. She was in despair. Her mind was in chaos. He could feel her struggle; the light versus the dark, the coin constantly flipping. He reaches out to her but there was just darkness. It was overcoming him and if he didn’t break away, he wasn’t sure what would become him again.

Ben had to choose the lesser of two evils. And this was third mistake. He rather be the one to wield the blade than let her carry that weight her whole life.

 _She’s no better than Luke_ , he hears her say.

Luke. He couldn’t think of him now; that old man who let fear take over him. But Ben knew he was just like his uncle, no matter how hard he tried to deny it. Luke was afraid of what Ben would become, representing every doubt he ever had about himself. He hated Luke’s fear because it was his own. And yet he did nothing else but embody it.

They were all the same. They all had darkness inside themselves. He already knows this. The difference now is the ability to not make the same mistakes anymore.

He lets go of the saber and for the first time since Takodana, he uses all his strength to take away Rey’s consciousness. She falls in his arms, eyes closed, and at peace. This wouldn’t last. Once she wakes up, she’ll surely wreak havoc.

“Go,” he says to Eyna. “And take those scums with you.”

Everyone in the clearing looked at him. But they didn’t matter. Nothing else mattered except her—always her.

“Pull the division out,” he commands as soon as Eyna stumbles to her feet and rushes off with her group. “We’re leaving.”

“But, sir—” Captain Var begins, already questioning his orders.

“Don’t test my patience, captain,” he warns him.

Var immediately shuts up and salutes. Ben knows no one wants to stay in this wretched planet anymore than he does. As he carries Rey aboard his shuttle however, he thinks to himself how unfortunate they all are.

Just as he flies off into space, he watches the explosions from the window.

 

 

 _Kylo did well_ , the other tells her.

_Stop calling him that!_

_You really don’t think I’ve been so naïve as to not know that he’s undermining my efforts, do you? I may not be completely aware when you’re up, but I am a part of you. I am always going to be a part of you._

_No…Snoke—_

_There is no Snoke, Rey! It’s you! It’s always been you; just as he will always be Kylo Ren._

_No! This is just a trick to manipulate me, to manipulate us both!_

The other smirks. _As soon as accept that he and ‘Ben Solo’ is one and the same, the sooner you’ll realize that you and I are one and the same, too._

 _Never_ , Rey snaps. _You are nothing but an apparition._

 _And_ you _are nothing but a scavenger._

_I am different from you…Darth Rey._

_Oh_ , the other croons. _So_ , _we’re getting into titles now? I rather like that. Darth Rey, it sounds good._

_Stop it. There’s no ‘we’ in this. You are a mere shadow._

_Keep telling yourself that, love._ She grabs hold of her then. Rey could feel the marks that are beginning to form on her wrists.

 _Soon, you will be the shadow,_ the other says. _Tell me. Tell me how you_ really _feel after meeting the person who probably led your mother to her death._

_Let go!_

_I will_ not _. Tell me, Rey. You’re angry, aren’t you?_

_No, I am not. I’ve forgiven her. She can’t be blamed for this._

_Liar!_ The other laughs. _You feel it, that hate, simmering beneath the surface—_

_Stop it!_

_—you wish you could tear her apart, to make her feel the fear your mother felt. Make her quiver, Rey. Make her pay!_

_Ben!_

_He can’t hear you! He hasn’t for a while. Didn’t you notice? He’s mine now. Mine, mine, mine…_

_Ben, help me!_

_I can’t believe a stupid part of me exists. Wake up, Rey! He’s gone. He’s back in the darkness. And guess who we should thank for that?_

_No—_

_You know it’s true. The next time you see him, he will be back in that mask. He’d have killed a lot more than he ever had before and there’s only one person he’d do anything for._

_No! Leave Ben alone!_

_I wonder,_ and she sighs dreamily, _when will you come to your senses and see that there’s really just you in the room?_

 

 

She wakes up in front of a mirror, hands outstretched.

There was nobody else here, just her. Rey sighs heavily and shakes her head. What was she doing to herself? She covers her face with her hands. But when they fell away, she looks at the mirror and sees another reflection. She was no longer alone.

 

 

Rey was in the ‘fresher when Ben entered his quarters.

Scavenger had been freely waddling about the room, excited for his meal. Ben tosses him a piece of fish he snuck out from the canteen. Pecking at the white meat, Scavenger happily leaves him to his own devices.

He approaches the doorway to the ‘fresher, leaning on the wall patiently. After a couple of minutes of simply listening to the water rushing, Ben clears his throat to announce his presence.

“So…Jabiim was a bad idea.”

Rey comes out of the ‘fresher then, wearing his robe while drying her hair off with a towel. “I wonder why that was.”

Venomous as she was right then, Ben took the towel from her hands and began drying her hair himself. “I thought it would help.”

“Help me with what?”

“You did say you wanted to go,” he argued. “That was what you wanted.”

“I said something was pulling me there,” she said. “And your implication of my wants might just be a projection of yours.”

Rey grabs the towel back and tosses it, landing square on Scavenger.

“I thought I told you that you scare Scavenger,” Ben reprimanded.

Only for Rey to retort back, “When did you say that?”

With a heavy sigh, he realized. The coin hadn’t reverted. It was her, the other. It was becoming increasingly difficult to identify which one she was by every passing day. Their trip to Jabiim was supposed to cure that. Now, it only seems to have stoked the fire even more.

“Never mind,” he muttered as he took the towel off the porg. It flies to its nesting place—his cabinet space—and shrieks at them from there. It senses distress.

Quietly, Rey suddenly asked, “Did you at least finish her?”

“No. I didn’t.” As if coaxing a more violent reaction from her, he adds, “In fact, I let her go.”

“What?”

“I let her—”

She hits him across the face, the sound bouncing off the walls. “Why do you have to ruin everything?” Rey screams as she hits his chest, pushing him further. “Of all people, I thought _you_ would understand. But you’re weak. You’re weak!”

Ben doesn’t say anything. He only holds off her arms to keep her from hurting him more. She struggles against him, but he was too strong.

“I hate you!”

“No,” he whispers, almost to himself. “You hate me for everything I didn’t do.”

Rey keeps hitting him, but they weren’t meant to hurt him anymore. It was a mere act of frustration. Soon, she falls tired and sags against his arms. He holds her tight, kissing the top of her head.

 _I’m exhausted._ He hears her say. When Rey looked up at him, there was only a glimmer of light and not much else.

“Just hold on a little bit longer,” Ben murmurs.

The intercom buzzes, jolting them from away from each other. Rey takes a deep breath before proceeding to his closet to change while he answers the attendant on the door. When he returned, she came out wearing his clothes with Scavenger in her arms.

“What is it?” She asks, calm and composed as if her outburst never happened.

“I had this made for you,” he says, handing over the well-wrapped parcel. “It’s a…peace offering, a little consolation for what happened on Jabiim.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” she tells him, but she takes the package anyway. Scavenger flies off to land on Ben’s shoulder, watching the pair carefully.

Rey felt the weight in her hands as she began tearing it open. The rectangular case was already a gift, but what it contained was something truly better. She looks up at Ben with a grin and continues to unveil her present. When she finally managed to pull the top open, she almost gasped.

Inside was a singularly long hilt designed to emit beams at both ends.

“You’re good with a lightsaber,” and Ben knows she’s more than good, but he had to seem nonchalant to pay off the compliment he wanted. “But you work best with a staff.”

“A saberstaff,” Rey whispers in amazement, taking hold of the hilt as Ben takes the box so she can grasp it with both hands.

“It’s double-bladed, which means you have to work on it twice as much, so you could avoid cutting off your own hand.”

She smiles the brightest smile and jumps up to wrap her arms around his neck. Scavenger shrieks as it flies overhead. “Thank you.”

“You haven’t seen the best part,” he tells her with a hint of excitement in his voice. “But first, you’d have to let go so you don’t impale us both.”

Rey lands on her feet again and follows Ben’s instruction to open it. When the beams were released, she became speechless.

“It’s a darksaber,” he confirms. “Just like you wanted.”

“It’s beautiful, Ben,” she says, unable to tear her eyes away from her new weapon. “Thank you.”

“I have one request.”

“Name it.”

He looks down at her with an expression she can’t read. Then as the words left his mouth, she realized why.

“Only use it when you’ve accepted that there are always going to be two sides.”

“Have you?” She asks defiantly. “ _Can_ you accept everything I am?”

Without taking a beat, he replies. “I can.” More bravely, he adds. “I _always_ have. And I always will.”

“Careful, Ben,” she murmurs. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“I never lie to you.”

Rey knows this to be true. She shuts off the beam of her saberstaff then and leans towards him. “Then I accept you, too. Every part, every side…”

He was about to kiss her, but a droid interjects, announcing a visitor. “Come back later!” Ben yells over the intercom, annoyed.

“Hold on,” Rey tells him as she pulls away. She walks towards the door and returns shortly after it closes. In her hand was something Ben thought he’d never see again.

“Why—where did you get that?” He demanded.

“I had it made. I’m slowly making my way around,” she retorts casually. “It’s _my_ gift to you, a concrete sign that I’m good to my word, too.”

Her hand was outstretched to him, waiting patiently, _challengingly_. She watches him carefully; every emotion passing over his face, the hesitation flickering in his eyes. Then after a moment, she feels the tug. The mask in her hand pulls free from her with Ben catching it immediately with his.

She grins, triumphant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short hiatus till I finish up another REYLO story  
> x see you in a few weeks!!
> 
> Azha's REYLO FTW Jam is on Spotify among other Reylo playlists so go check that out if you want to jam!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "'Hold me, I'm falling apart,  
> cos I'm scared and lost in the dark,  
> and this feeling surely cannot last'  
> So I took it away, took it away  
> away from you..."
> 
> -Chemicals, Dean Lewis

 

He had barely shut his eyes when he heard the door to his chamber open.

The room was dark and chilly but as soon as he felt the covers tugged to the side, the warmth of her body immediately heated things up.

 _Too close_ , he would always think but always too late.

Her arms would snake around his waist and her breath would be on the nape of his neck. Their legs would get tangled with each other till he finally faces her and pins her down. Hux never knew that there was a side to him like this; a wild, unpredictable man who cannot seem to satisfy his cravings for her.

Grinning from ear to ear, the little minx stared up at him in defiance.

“Did you do it?” He demanded. “Did you give him the mask?”

“Yes.”

“Then why had I not seen him wear it yet?” He sounded impatient, and he was.

But more than that, he was unnerved. This was a far more perilous game than any he’s played. He was putting his trust on someone he didn’t know. And their growing intimacy, no matter how casual, was going to get him in a deadly position with their Supreme Leader should he fail, be discovered—or betrayed.

For a moment, she seemed to ponder on it.

“It would be,” she paused, seeming to think of the word, “ceremonious.”

Hux let go of her then and sat upright. “You should go back to him. He’s a very cautious person. He would grow suspicious.”

He hears her scoff. “Do my ears deceive me?” She asks. “Is the General jealous of the Supreme Leader?”

That’s when he lost his control. Hux grabs her arm and pulls her harshly to him. “I am _not_ jealous of that—that _child!_ ”

“Alright,” she whispers, a bit shaken. But soon, she composed her features and looks over at him smoothly. “But remember that the child you speak of is more dangerous than you’ll ever be, Armitage. Thread that water carefully. He could bring you down without batting a pretty little eyelash.”

“Is there something I should know about—something you’re not telling me?” He demanded, narrowing his eyes at her.

The scavenger, now transformed as one of the sharpest blades in any army, stared at him in the eyes as if she could compel him to drop on his knees and cut out his own tongue.

“Only that he’s more conflicted than before,” Rey replies. “And if we don’t press him further, we’ll lose him forever.”

 _Good_ , Hux thought. _That would be easier for me to dispose of him._

As if reading his thoughts, the girl breaks free from his grasp, turns and pins him down instead. “He’s valuable, Hux, not only to the First Order but to _your_ survival. Remember that no one would follow you, a pet pulled and beaten over and over, into command, not when they have someone like Kylo Ren in their midst. You _need_ him if you wish to take control of this. And frankly,” and now she grins, devious and taunting, “I don’t think you have it in you.”

She dismounts from him and saunters out of his chamber, leaving him breathless with his heart pounding against his chest. If it was due to rage or arousal, he couldn’t decide. All Hux knew now was that he had to prove her wrong. And just like that, the stakes became higher. Who had more to gain than the one with nothing to lose...save for his life?

 

 

 

“AGAIN!”

He yells at her from across the room, his black hair sticking to the nape of his neck and across his face. Ben tightens his grip on his lightsaber, urging her to come at him and strike.

“You _cannot_ hesitate!” He says, his words booming against the metal walls.

Rey breathes in as every ounce of strength she had left slowly narrows it down to that moment. She has to beat it down.

 _Concentrate_ , she tells herself. But she could already feel it slipping away from her, whatever sense of control she thinks she gained in the last hour. Her hand tightens on the handle of her staff and when her eyes closed, she knew. She already lost.

“Again!” Ben commands.

This time, the girl heeds his advice. She doesn’t hesitate.

Ben knew that the moment their lightsabers met, he was moving toe to toe with someone else.

It was with this certainty that it no longer surprised him when Rey, the Other Rey, stood over his fallen figure with her saber staff at his neck. He had seen that look on her face once before, at a similar time when he was also defeated by her. But the rage and anguish wouldn’t fade from her eyes, the blind hatred was absent from those deep pools of hazel. Instead, there was triumph and arrogance.

Having the real Rey around was getting less frequent these days, he noticed. Ben thinks of the nights she would crawl under his sheets and sleep on his chest like a child, and some of the stolen hours she would simply nestle with him till he breaks focus and finally chase her lips with his own before he catches himself.

“Am I more sure-footed now?” She asks haughtily, putting her staff away and giving him a hand. Rey looks at him as if she knows exactly what he was thinking, and maybe she does. “You shouldn’t really challenge me so much, Ren. We both have no idea how it could end someday. You know how it is with control. Sometimes, it just slips.”

But then there it is; his name haunting him with her hollow voice. Rey, the only one he could trust with his life, would never call him  _Ren_. Not after everything they went through together...he was no longer that man, not with her. Something in him hardens. Time was ticking faster and faster, and he was losing her more and more each day.

“Well, let’s just hope your grasp on reality doesn’t.” He places his saber back in its holt and stalks off the room, knowing she would be close behind.

“Are you peeved at me—again?” She demanded rather teasingly. Then, like always when he's in a mood, she looped her arm through his and stayed close to his side, almost attaching her hips with his. “You know I hate it when you’re upset.”

“I’m not upset,” he mutters under his breath, stopping in his tracks to look into her eyes.

Nothing, he sees. There was nothing there; just hollow depths, like her voice.

“I’m just tired.” Ben gently takes her hands off him and walks towards his quarters, Rey’s footsteps no longer trailing behind.

 _Good_ , he thought. Now he had time to regain contact with the Resistance.

Over the course of a few weeks, there had been real change between them...he and the former scavenger. It was confusing (and very distracting). Despite his clear head, knowing fully well that she was constantly a turning tide, Ben couldn't help but be bewitched by her and her closeness to him. Rey clings to him like a lifeline, and maybe because they're in more peril with themselves than with anyone else, but this fact alone draws her to him more. There was also the pride he feels beaming out of his chest like lightning whenever she takes command of the First Order. She was his empress in their non-existent kingdom of stars. Unfortunately, each night when she comes and lies with him, he knows what he must do. He has a debt to repay her. She had saved him from his darkness, given him the strength he needed to defeat his demons. Now, it was up to him to do the same. The one thing Rey would want him to prioritize is to make sure that her friends are safe. So that's what he set himself to do.

He had been doing it anonymously. If he showed any indication that the message streaming from the enemy was anyone but Rey, he knew that any chance to save his mother’s ragtag team of rebels would be gone. Over the last couple of weeks, he had done everything to make sure that the Resistance was out of harm’s way. His latest piece of information regarding General Organa’s position proved to be more dangerous than anything else.

The Resistance had settled on the edge of the Outer Rim territory, close to Wild Space. Honoghr was one of the last places Leia could find sanctuary in. Her alliance with the Noghri proved useful and strong as, she reported, they built a new base for their cause.

To be honest, Ben was more unsettled to discover this. He still wished to stand by his beliefs, to kill the past and create a new future where there are no opposing sides. But for now, he had no choice. He remained to play the part of the new Supreme Leader; therefore his mother should undoubtedly continue playing the odds against him—against them.

The difference now and then is that he’s helping her. For Rey’s sake, he has to.

After their trip to Jabiim, everything had gone awry. Ben decided that he’d take the girl to Chandrila, his home planet. There was someone there that could help his situation without being too suspicious—and besides, he had been away too long.

The _Finalizer_ was bound to stop at Togoria before heading to Roche to pick up the newly designed droids the Supreme Leader insisted on having. Of course, it was a mere distraction and an idle task for General Hux to look over. But it will provide some semblance of time that Ben was hoping to have to set a plan to motion. He just begs the Maker that there be no hiccups in this ride…or it could mean his failure, and death.

  

 

Hux was already waiting for her in the hangar when she arrived. Their Upsilon-class shuttle was ready and there were only a handful of Imperial troopers to witness their departure.

 _Good_ , she thought. This cannot go back to Ren, not when she's recently found him sneaking out at night to the command center. She didn't like to imagine him being up to anything that could jeopardize their position with the First Order. She needed him if she were to strike down her enemies, friends that betrayed her, and possibly put her in a more permanent position. After that, everything can go to hell.

"I gather our dear Supreme Leader is resting after your meeting." General Hux tried his best to sound casual, but failed miserably.

Rey grinned. Hux was a fool to show his emotions. He was playing right into her hands.

"We were training," she insisted. "But that isn't something you should find interesting. Are we all set? I want to see the demonstration myself."

 

 

“General! There’s a message coming through!”

Lieutenant Kaydel Ko Connix stared at her screen till she felt the General’s presence beside her, looking over the codes being transmitted. Finn was close behind, trailing after Poe Dameron.

“What’s it saying? Is it Rey?” Finn demanded.

“It’s the same Intel we’ve had in a month,” Leia said in response.

“It could be her,” Poe agreed. “If it’s from the Finalizer, there’s no one else who could be contacting us.”

Leia kept quiet. That wasn’t entirely true.

“Should we reply, General?” Kaydel looked up to read her face and saw Finn’s anxious one instead. She bowed her head back again and focused on the screen.

“What did it say?” Finn asked again.

“It’s a distress call,” Leia replied. “It wants us to go to Kashyyyk for a rescue operation.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Do you think they’re on to us, General?”

Leia took a deep breath and shook her head at Lieutenant Connix. The Resistance, or what little there was left of them, had no one else but the General to depend on. She knew that if she showed any sign of hesitation, they would all crumble to pieces. Leia could no longer afford additional loss, not after what happened on Crait—or Corellia.   

“My honest opinion on that matter is simple,” she says; her voice strong and commanding. Deep down, she was just as tired as everyone else. “No, I don’t think they are. But we can’t play into my hunch, so I have to give out an order to evacuate our position immediately. We can’t risk it.”

“I knew Kashyyyk would be too obvious, Your Highness,” Threepio says but rather with smugness, he seemed disappointed. Perhaps he’s the embodiment of everyone else; tired of running and hiding in the shadows.

“We were guaranteed safety here, Threepio,” Leia replies to him quietly. “Besides, Chewie hasn’t been here in so long. It was time to come home.”

“I wish we all could…if we had one to begin with. But the First Order took everything. We can’t let them take anything—anyone—else,” Poe mutters, exhausted. “What’s going to be our plan here, General?”

“We make our way down—and out of the system,” she says, sighing. “We have to disappear for a while, try and regroup if there’s anybody else left.”

“What about Rey?” Finn demanded, desperately trying to keep his calm. “What if she’s the one asking for a rescue operation?”

“I think you, more than anyone, know that she doesn’t need rescuing. Not really.” Leia walked away from them and out of their makeshift base in the Falcon.

There she found Chewie, staring out into the mirage of greens and browns, and the inevitability of returning to what was once his home.

“You’re worried about her. I am, too,” she says as she stands by his side.

Chewie groans with the unmistakable sound of troublesome thoughts eating away at him.

“I’m more to blame,” she replies solemnly. “I let her go.”

At this, the Wookie only patted her head and let out a brief sound of agony.

“I still feel her, reaching out. She’s still there. But we’re not getting her back this way,” Leia sighs. “The dark is too strong for any of us to handle…” she trailed off, leaving a hidden thought at the end of that sentence because Leia knew all too well that it was dangerous to gamble someone else’s fate. But she could only hope—

There was hope still left in her son, and he’s the only one capable of pulling Rey back from the darkness.

 

 

Ben is tired.

The last few weeks have worn him out more than it should have. Between maintaining his power and the ranks within the First Order as well as keeping the rogue Rey in his grasp, he was tiring himself out. He was constantly using the Force to delve into the dark and reach for her while simultaneously using the light to fend it off before it could influence him again. This feat was draining him so much that at times of weakness, he wished he could simply surrender.

But he can’t let his guard down, not for a moment.

After sending the Resistance valued information regarding their position, he went straight to his quarters. He had matters to attend to in the bridge, divert the attention of his commanding officers as to lose track of the few rebels left. There was still so much to do.

Before he could resume to his duties though, a tiny sound squeaked from underneath his pile of uniforms. As soon as he parted it, a creature fell out. It was almost down to its bones, coughing and wailing. Ben finally recognized it and almost hit himself in the head.

“Scavenger!” He cries out and stoops down to pick it up.

Out of all the duties that seem to drown him, he apparently neglected an important one. How many days has it been since it last ate? He had no idea. He could even be lucky if it was only a few days…

Immediately, he called for a droid to bring supplies to his quarters. He put Scavenger on his bed and caressed it now bony head. The creature was beyond recognition, a vast difference to when he and Rey first found it.

Ben only meant to keep him safe, hiding him from plain sight after Rey had threatened to dump it in the trash compactor but he completely forgot about him! How could he let this happen?

“I’m so sorry, Scav,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean to let it get this far.”

He didn’t let the droid see Scavenger when it returned with his favors and made it leave his quarters promptly. He tended to the creature’s wounds first, some scabs perhaps earned after clawing at its own skin. Afterwards, he hydrated it with a dropper, slowly till the creature could drink on his own. There was fish for its dinner, but Ben decided to give only small portions as to not surprise its weak appetite. What Scavenger needed was careful tending to.

Whatever it was Ben had to go to that day was completely wiped off to be rescheduled the following day. There was nothing more important than keeping that animal alive. When it was sound asleep, half full of the meal it had eaten, it gave Ben some time to think of the time when the only complication was his unprecedented connection with Rey. Now, everything was falling apart.

He must’ve nodded off for a time because he didn’t hear the doors to his quarters open. He only knew that she was there when slim—but firm—arms snaked around his neck. His heart ran off, feeling endangered.

“Relax,” Rey whispers. “It’s just me.”

Ben turned slightly towards her but found that her eyes weren’t set on him. He followed them and saw that the porg was still on his bed, now awake and nibbling at his sheets.

“I see you’ve reunited with your pet,” she murmurs, sitting next to it.

“Don’t hurt it,” he says. “Please.”

Rey looks at him with a wrinkle between her brows. “How odd.”

“What?” Ben asks, slightly fidgety.

She further noticed his unlikeliness. “You’ve grown weaker.”

“Rey—” he sighs heavily but she wouldn’t have it.

“No, you have compassion for that thing! It’s pathetic! And here I was, thinking you were actually meant to be the Supreme Leader.”

“Enough!” He bellows, standing up to his full height to tower over her.

They both knew he didn’t mean to, but he startled both her and the porg. But while the porg whined in protest, Rey sat silently with eyes so cold and sharp it could cut through a Star Destroyer. Ben sighed heavily, closing his eyes. The day weighed heavily on him and he was exhausted. This ordeal was pulling at his moral compass more and more each day, but what was tearing him apart was seeing her fade into oblivion. This was the hardest part, it was always going to be.

“I will not be pushed around by the likes of you,” he says as coldly as he can muster. “I am still the Supreme Leader and I will do whatever I like.”

Ben expected to see her scornful when he opened his eyes. Instead he found her grinning—and proud.

“And here I thought you’d gone soft,” she purred, a devious little smirk playing on her thin lips.

Rey caresses the porg and it shivers under her touch. But she stands up and leaves it unharmed either way. As she passes by him, she pauses and reaches up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“I rather not sleep alone tonight,” she says quietly, almost uncertain.

He looks down at her, seeking some familiarity in her eyes. The hazel in them weren’t warm or comforting, so unlike the ones he’s gotten used to. Ben realized now that the darkness in Rey, this side of her, would do _anything_ to keep him within her reach. And for a split second, he wasn’t sure if that was at all a bad thing till he remembered what he promised her; that he wouldn’t let her harm anyone she cared about, including him. If he was anything but a changed man, he wanted to make sure that he kept his word.

The decision fell on him then, struck him like a lightsaber going through his body. He wouldn’t shut her out. He wouldn’t give her any more reason to stay further away than she already was. He would let her in, completely—even if it consumes them both—because the only way to save Rey was not to save her but let her save herself. The only way to do _that_ was to make sure she wasn’t alone.

 _And you will never be ever again_ , he promised internally.

Ben took her hand in his and let her lead him towards her chamber.

 

 

The following morning, Rey woke up to ruffled sheets and the aftermath of an evening she couldn’t remember.

Beside her was an empty space, still warm and slept in, and yet there was no one around. She must’ve dreamt it, she thought. Perhaps the missing hours, days— _weeks_ —of her life was just a bad dream. The nagging feeling resisted though and she couldn’t ignore it for long. Rey got up and headed for the ‘fresher. As soon as she entered however, that nagging feeling became a blatant confirmation because in the middle of her supposedly empty ‘fresher was none other than Ben Solo.

He turned his head ever so slightly, oblivious or otherwise, to the fact that was completely naked in front of her. His back was to her if it was any consolation, but still…Rey could see the mist coming off of his skin, the way the water licks at it like fire on wood, consuming him—

Or was it her that it was consuming?

She couldn’t form a single word comprehensible in the human language. Instead, she gawked at him, her eyes never leaving his.

When it went a little too long though, Ben shuffled a bit, showing a bit of his discomfort.

“Would you care to join me?” He asks, not in an assuming fashion nor a sarcastic one, but an awkward attempt at humor as well as suggestion.

Rey paused, her brain lagging from the thoughts spiraling inside her head. And then finally, she takes a step back and left the area wordlessly. With a bit more clarity, she looked at her surroundings and took in the pieces one by one. There were strings of clothing scattered on the floor, a few she recognized to be her makeshift wardrobe; the messy bed that gave off a different musk than she was used to; Ben in the ‘fresher—

 _Ben in the ‘fresher_ , she thought. And on it went.

_Ben in the ‘fresher._

_Ben in the ‘fresher._

_Ben in_ my _‘fresher!_

It sank in, and she drunk it like a gallon of cold water on Jakku. Her feet carried her hurriedly towards the mirror sitting in the corner of her small quarter and looked at herself. She was red, from a burst of different emotions she couldn’t even begin to fathom now, and her body was barely clinging to any material save for a thin black slip.

Why hadn’t she noticed this two minutes ago?

The water stopped rushing, and everything became all too silent that it was deafening to her ears. Rey took a deep breath and waited for him to reappear. She heard him, rather _felt_ him move—getting his clothes on, combing his hair with his hands—but as soon as he emerged, she felt faint.

There was no kindness or familiarity to his stature, just an image of the person he was before the island, before their connection. Who emerged from the ‘fresher, this beast of a being ready to march once again into battle?

It wasn’t Ben Solo, no. She _knew_ Ben Solo. And if that amounted to anything, it meant that he wouldn’t be wearing that dreadful mask now—not ever. No, this was Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order and Master of the Knights of Ren.

What had she done?

Her heart sank at the thought that she had failed him, perhaps for the thousandth time now. In her absence, had she tolerated the monster? Did she let him fall back into his old ways? Was the conflict she felt, that she still feels as she breathes now, a reflection of his? Was it more powerful than the two of them combined?

Rey lost her strength and she slipped a step back, finding herself against a wall. She was trapped, and the weight of her failure was staring right at her.

But then something shifts. He moves towards her, slow and calculating. She had no ability to read his expressions thanks to that awful mask, blocking his deep brown eyes from view. Every inch of his body was covered, a great contrast from their earlier meeting. As soon as he stopped in front of her, there was no other feeling but surprise—if not relief—when he removed his glove, very slowly, and extended his exposed hand out to her.

“Hold on to it,” he says under his breath.

Rey looked at it longer than she intended. He couldn’t mean it literally, she knew. And she smiled at this, her first genuine smile after weeks in captivity by the looming darkness. This was a reminder of their time together, back in that small hut, when she felt alone and distressed because nothing was going like she thought it would. It was a symbol that she wasn’t alone—

And that she’ll never have to be again.

With whatever strength left in her, she took it tightly with both hands. Edges of her vision began to blur then, and she knew that she no longer had the time she was surprisingly granted today. Before the pain washed over her and completely shut her out, she reached out, putting her hands on either side of his gleaming dark façade.

“I still see you,” she whispers. “Behind this, everything—I _see_ you.”

What she hoped to be the last time, the darkness overcomes her and there was nothing else except for that small feeling of warmth and light, and him.

 

 

They were never supposed to go to Kashyyyk.

It was too close to home, Ben would say. Though he had a part to play, he couldn’t suppress the feeling of a cruel game preying on him. But, being the Supreme Leader that everyone feared meant that there were expectations of his wild reputation.

One was having her as his right hand; and two, he was ruthless and bold in his actions. So, when Rey—dressed similar to him (and more than this morning’s outfit)—commanded that they prepare _his_ shuttle, he needed to seem unfazed, as if he had plotted this timely visit with her. He tried his best not to notice the darksaber he had given her attached to her side. Whatever it was this Rey had planned, she was expecting a fight.

He had to be prepared.

Absentmindedly, he laid a finger on the small device with a hidden monitor on his wrist. It was a clone of his larger equipment back on the ship where he could relay important messages to the Resistance without using the First Order’s communication network.

He hoped he didn’t draw too much attention. A month was a long enough time to get out of this skin, this person he thought he wanted to be.

 _Supreme Leader_ , he thought foolishly. It was a hard role to play, especially when you’re surrounded with enemies.

The shuttle lands on Kashyyyk roughly and several troopers were dispatched to secure the area. As soon as they were alone, he pulled her closer to him, making her smirk.

“You really _cannot_ get your hands off me, can you?” She teases, flirting.

He tightens his grip on her waist. “Why are we here?”

“You’ll see,” Rey replies, unfazed by his hold on her. It even seemed to excite her more.

“I’m not playing this game with you,” he mutters as more troopers skirted the perimeter and goes past them. “Either you tell me now, or we go back, and I lock you up in a cell I’m sure you’d have difficulty escaping.”

She looked at him then, _really_ looked at him and narrowed her eyes. “What is with you lately? I’m just having a little surprise for you, that’s all.”

He noted then that he made her upset. This feeling didn’t sit well with the darkness, he knew. Loosening his grip, he took a deep breath and nodded.

“Nothing. I just hate surprises,” he says and continued to walk ahead.

It seemed that mere stunt raised her spirits because not long after, she sprinted after him and clung to his arm. “That’s the most pathetic apology if I ever heard one!” She laughed. “But I forgive you. _And_ I think you’re really going to like this one.”

Rey led him into the jungle until there was a small clearing with nothing but mud and tangled vines. They were careful not to go to its center, suspecting it was deeper than it looked.

“It’s the core,” she whispered to him after a while. “I was told that it could lead straight into the heart of this planet.”

“Well, whoever told you that had no idea how stupid he sounded,” he muttered at her.

She merely shrugged, still grinning. “Somehow, you saying that, makes this a whole lot better.”

She tore away from him and tiptoed on the mud till she reached the middle. It was a good fifty yards away and Ben was careful to watch her. But his worry was soon overshadowed by something else: absolute fear.

The land underneath her toes began to dissolve quickly. It grabbed at her feet like a muddy claw, pulling at her. Soon enough, she began to show signs of panic. Rey pulls out something from her pocket but, before Ben could see anything else, he used his strength to yank her out. The mud was left with a hole in the middle, sinking deeper like a drain.

“What did you do that for?” He asked her, half annoyed while the other half of him felt scared to death.

“I can ask you the same thing,” she replied. “But never mind…it was a stupid surprise.”

“That we can agree on,” he said before storming off.

He waited for her by the shuttle, looking around the gigantic trees he used to imagine when he was a kid whenever his father told him stories Chewie was sharing with them both. He didn’t remember much, to be honest, only the vague feeling that it was a home to someone important to him. But now, he and Chewie couldn’t be more than anything but enemies—or strangers. There were choices that not even the best of Wookies could accept.

Ben drew himself out of his memories and stared at the obstacle ahead. Rey walked with purpose and a strange glimmer. She was happy with something, accomplished.

That was never good, whatever it was.

When she was close enough, he could see her grin reaching up to her ears. But her eyes were ever so cold and bitter. It terrified him sometimes, the darkness in Rey. He didn’t know how far it could go.

After she reached him, they didn’t speak for a while. Her smile eventually faded into a confident raise of her brows and an amused smirk. He fidgeted less and held himself at an intimidating stance.

The first words that came out of her caught him off guard however.

“I see you brought your pet.”

Ben looked at where Rey was pointing and there it was, Scavenger, in a stormtrooper’s gloved grasp. “I didn’t—”

“Oh wait,” she says, feigning forgetfulness. “I did that.”

There was a coldness that seeped through his veins when he was starting to realize what she was getting at.

Rey flicks her hand and the stormtrooper, following orders he assumed were Ben’s, sets the porg free. He refused to look then, knowing where this was heading. Instead he focused his gaze on her and she matched it with an arrogant steely look. The girl snaps her fingers then and only one sound rang across the jungle: a blaster shooting at a precise angle.

She walks closer to him and leans up, pulling him so her mouth was close to his ear.

“I see you,” she says. “Behind everything.”

He froze.

Rey broke free for a few seconds and looked up at him innocently. Then, like a switch, the façade drops, and she subtly takes hold of his wrist. That was when he felt the absence of his little communicator. She smirked bitterly.

Licking her lips, she bites down hard to hide her annoyance. “I thought we were in this together, Ren,” she admits. “However, so long as Ben Solo lives, I guess I should expect more betrayal from you.”

He pulls away roughly, setting her forward. “I don’t think that I'm the one betrayed.”

“No,” she agrees. “It’s your precious Resistance.”

Ben, despite his mask, couldn’t hide his surprise—not from her anyway.

“Did you really think we were that stupid?” She mutters. “Didn’t you think we had every bounty hunter looking for Han Solo’s infamous _Falcon_?”

He didn’t reply.

“But anyway, that’ll all be taken care of. As Ben will soon be.”

Rey went pass him then, entering the shuttle alone. Soon after, he followed, and the shuttle departed. There were so many questions clouding his mind. This was a cruel game, indeed. What message had been transmitted to the Resistance? Why was there a need to be in Kashyyyk for this?

When they neared the Finalizer, he found her watching him. She was anticipating something, and she was enjoying it. And then, there was a flash of light. Ben turned towards the small glass panel that overlooked space. Below was the planet Kashyyyk, a brilliant red light beaming from the inside like a heart in a human’s system. Then in mere minutes, it slowly crumbled until it fully exploded into a myriad of dust and rocks and nothingness.

“The last report that came confirmed the Resistance’s whereabouts. I hope this to be good riddance,” she says and the shuttle lands.

But he couldn’t hear her anymore. What resonated with him, amidst his fear of truly losing his mother, was what she said earlier. Who did Rey mean by ‘ _we’_?

The doors opened then, and they disembark, just in time to find Hux waiting for them.

 _No_ , he thought as it dawned on him. _He’s waiting for…_ her.

With pulsing anger, he watched as Rey left the wing walking side by side with the ambitious general.

If he was to find answers, he had to do better. He expected the difficulties to increase tenfold this time, especially after losing her trust. But having spent so much time with Rey, both of them, there were things he learned, tricks that even the darkest of Rey couldn’t resist. He would have to play it flawlessly if he were to succeed. For now, he would settle in holding her captive.

And the darkness in him would let him relish every single moment of it.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it wasn't as smutty as I hoped it would be (heck it wasn't smutty at all!) but but BUT  
> I finally figured out the best angle for the smuttiness in my fic (and I will get out of my comfort zone now). The next part is another series with more Dark Rey, a redeemed Ben Solo, the return of Kylo Ren, and a very conflicting Rey/Hux. More importantly though, REYLO. 
> 
> If you need the hype, I can tell you the title:
> 
> The Dark Bride


End file.
